Tag: sex

WOC Dating

WOC Dating

By: Kali Dayn The last time I slept with a white man was a long time ago. At that time, he made the classic off-handed remarks about me being “his brown beauty”, a “Bollywood goddess”, “we should try the kama sutra”, “you’re so wild, like […]

Repeat Offender

Repeat Offender

By: Kali Dayn It comes back again and again – a repeat offender When you’re least expecting it and you have it the most together The emptiness fills you – pushing out the memories of love and the warm feelings that form the foundation of […]

Foreplay

Foreplay

By: Reenita V

North America is a goal oriented place. We plan for our futures, set goals at work, create “To Do” lists all to ensure we achieve an end goal. Well, there is one thing that we need to remove from this check list and it’s the fabulous oh, oh, orgasm! Listen, orgasms are really great. Having an orgasm or helping someone else have one is no doubt a pretty awesome experience. However, we can easily forget that heading straight for the goods and neglecting the buildup is just as or more important.
Sex, as always is never a one size fits all so it is always incredibly important to talk with your partners about their desires and what you are both comfortable with. As well, the idea of exploring the process before the big O is not always for everyone. But for those that believe the whole point of intimacy is the final moment, perhaps we need to take an itty bitty pause and remember it’s not about the end goal but how you got there. Sex is supposed to feel good – it is about pleasure, exploration, maybe pain, maybe love, basically, sex cannot be defined just by one word, it can be complicated but incredibly fun. . So to sum up the thinking of sex as just a way to get off, creates an image of someone disrobing and making a quick b-line for a clit. Why not take those jackhammer thoughts away from this clit and take some time to focus on pleasure – not just pleasure for the sake of cumming but pleasure for the sake of feeling good? Let’s all remember that having an orgasm can be difficult for some people and some people just haven’t had one at all. Orgasms are not always a guarantee but pleasure can be!

 

Again, always super important to discuss what feels good with your partner(s). That whole time between the start and end is when you get to spend time learning and pleasuring another person. This is the roller coaster ride – the anticipation, the ups and downs, the time when your tummy gets knots and butterflies. Find a pace of exploration that works with your lover and enjoy, play, lust, learn. Each and every one of us has the ability to define pleasure in the way we see fit and how we can discover what pleasure means by giving ourselves the opportunity to feel all the lovely moments between the start and finish or as some call it – foreplay.
Just as education teaches us reading, writing and arithmetic, foreplay teaches us what another person likes, what we like and what gets them/us going and it is in those moments where we create this experience of phenomenal sex. Instead of focusing on the idea of getting off, let’s start focusing on actual pleasure, what it means and how you can explore a lover while invoking their sensors. Sex shouldn’t be another task on the ‘To Do List’, slow down and enjoy it – start, middle and end.

In This Season: Sex Positivity

In This Season: Sex Positivity

By: Reenita V Have you heard? Sex positivity is so in right now and it’s a trend that is going to stick around. But what is? What does it go with? How do you wear it? Well, everything you need to know to start learning […]

Befriending Your Vulva

Befriending Your Vulva

By: Reenita V Some may find this topic a bit taboo. Many might find this conversation gross, icky, something that should never be discussed with peers, family, and partners or even just discussed at all. Others might love this subject, too. Either way, it’s time […]

I Don’t Know How to Date

I Don’t Know How to Date

By: Reenita V

This month can be filled with hearts, balloons, romantic gestures, and other things that make your heart pitter patter or gag. Nonetheless , a new year and month of Hallmark romance upon us, it seems almost a guarantee that at some point you may reflect on your romantic life, even  if you have one or not. In the past few months I have flirted with the idea of dating and actually have gone on a date here or there. While nothing has blossomed from these dating adventures, I have learned more about myself in the process. While trying to understand why dating is so complicated for many, I’ve tried to really focus on what makes it so complicated for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply have no clue what I am doing when it comes to dating and largely in part to my upbringing in an Indo-Fijian family.

Firstly, many of the influential people in my life were adults whom were married. Marriage came to be through family match makers. Family members would actively keep their eyes open for eligible mates and should one lucky person be found, families would agree to meet to see if the single people were interested in being together. If the single people were interested, they would ‘date’ and eventually marry if that is what they chose. I literally grew up learning that at some point someone would bring me a suitable partner(s) so all I had to do was focus on my education.  The idea of having someone show up with an eligible partner, who is looking for more than a one night stand seems really convenient, right? The commitment to really wanting to get to know a person, and the desire to find a person whom you want for a long term partner has already been established and acknowledged before the person walks through the door. The more you think about it, it sounds as if all those awkward ‘where is this going and what do we each want’ conversations don’t actually need to happen, because someone else had them for you.

Secondly, dating was pretty much taboo. Before the age of 16, I wasn’t allowed to date so I didn’t and the fear was instilled in me so I didn’t date much after that either. When I did finally start dating, I started dating someone who was also south Asian with strict parents so while we said we were dating, we never actually went out.  Instead we spent time together during and after class. We held hands in the hallway, kissed for the first time on the third floor. Our romantic moments were captured in the walls of our school. Seems as though my first experience with dating wasn’t traditional dating but hanging out whenever we could at school. This kind of dating seemed to be the trend moving forward which is when hook up and hangout culture seemed to be developing but that is a whole different issue in itself. So fast forward a few years, I’m on my own learning about paying bills, balancing budgets, how to make food and going on the occasional date here and there. Here is where my growth and development as an indo-Fijian person start intertwining with western ideas and it becomes a whole tangled mess.

So with not having dated much while younger, I was and still am quite inexperienced. I never practiced how to conquer my fears of approaching a person I fancy. Last summer it took a whole 7 months before I could muster up the courage to ask my crush out. 7 months!! Sadly, that situation fizzled quickly.  When the rare dates do occur I also find that not only am I asking questions that would help me figure out if they might be an ideal partner, but I also asking questions that will help me determine if you will fit in with my family. Family is an important part of south Asian culture so it only makes sense that dating me means dating my entire family.  I literally imagine a scenario involving you and a grandparent at Christmas dinner and if I see it turning into a disaster in my head it’s over. As well, with the idea that dating was taboo the stigma sticks which makes taking about dating situations impossible.  Either someone won’t share their dating past because they don’t want you to know about it, or perhaps they didn’t date or they just don’t want to hear about your dating situation until you was wearing a wedding dress.  With my person experience of navigating the complexity of dating in the south Asian community, I find other friends experiencing the difficulty of culture, family and dating and these situations are not always isolated to the south Asian community but it’s there. Needless to say, dating is a whole complicated situation that takes more than a lifetime to figure out. So, if you know the tricks of the trade please let us know!

South Asian Women Ranked #1 in Breast Cancer: Why sexual health needs to be talked about

South Asian Women Ranked #1 in Breast Cancer: Why sexual health needs to be talked about

By: Monique Gill    A recent Ontario study confirms that South Asian women lead in the number of breast cancer cases that have progressed to stages 4 & 5 (The Canadian Press). By contrast, Chinese women lead in the number of cases that have been […]

Let’s Talk About Sex…Ed!

Let’s Talk About Sex…Ed!

Sex education is rarely without controversy. As a sexual health educator, working with South Asian communities all over Toronto, I see firsthand how sexual misinformation, stigma, cultural and gender norms can all make sex a hard topic to discuss. Lately, however, it seems to be […]

So, like condoms?

So, like condoms?

Whenever I tell someone that I work in HIV education, I’m invariably met with “So like, condoms?”

This response is unsurprising since growing up many of us equate safe sex with only condoms, which is great given that condoms do provide effective protection; however, the reality is so much more complicated than that.

Safe sex requires so much more than an awkward trip to the drugstore, and the new youth campaign from Alliance for South Asian Aids Prevention (ASAAP) aims to shed light on exactly that. By depicting different scenarios, the campaign it’s about more than a condom shows how elements like developing support, building trust, dealing with shame and lack of access in our everyday lives shape the way that we navigate our sexual health. Using wordless comic strips, the campaign illustrates 4 stories exploring common scenarios that affect young people and their relationships. Each comic showcases the subtle dynamics that youth go through, highlighting that our sexual lives are impacted by more than what happens in the bedroom.

As a frontline worker, I can provide someone with any number of condoms but that can be less important than the ability to use them. In other words if someone can’t have a conversation with their partner about the need to use condoms, then it may as well be a decorative item in their bedroom drawer. Introducing condoms into an existing relationship may raise questions about trust and fidelity. Even In the healthiest of relationships, navigating this conversation is awkward at best, and may not even be an option in others.

Youth don’t have to be having sex to learn and talk about sex. One of the challenges of talking about sexual health with youth is the fear permeated in society that knowledge about sex will encourage sex.This myth conjures images of teenagers running out of health class to hump away in dark corners of parking lots, with little concern for consequences. In reality, research consistently shows that comprehensive sexual education delayed age of sexual initiation, and increased condom or contraceptive use.

There’s so much marketing that goes into telling young people what to think, how not to cave into peer pressure and how to just say “no,” so few of these campaigns ask youth what they actually think. In a world of sexting, snapchats and sexual misinformation, it is even more crucial to work with youth to create initiatives that are reflective of their own complex realities.

Check out the full campaign here and tell us what you think using #teaseproject

 

Aricle originally posted: http://tamilculture.com/so-like-condoms/

Are We Safe?

Are We Safe?

By: Saipriya V Violence against women  is a serious problem in our society. This is not only due to the  patriarchal culture, but also due to the fact that  women are marginalized by our culture and by our society in many number of ways. Violence […]