By: Reenita V.
Perhaps you have engaged in oral sex. You might like it, you may hate it. Oral sex can be both a complicated situation and a fabulous one. There seems to be a major component of oral sex that people miss out on and that is the oral part. Oral sex is as much about the actual act as it is about the discussion that leads to making the experience of oral amazing. Lovers come in all shapes and size, down there and all over. Approaching each situation as it possibly being the same as the previous lover makes no sense. No genitalia are the same, so why do we presume that going down on someone should be treated with the assumption that oral acts are supposed to be the same. It’s not, and we need to start focusing on the oral aspect to make oral sex super fantastic. But how do we do that?
It starts with being able to talk to a new one night lover, a lover for a little while or forever. It is important that we keep communication open and ongoing. This is important for all aspects of the relationship, no matter how short or long it may be. If the intention is to bring pleasure, why would we want to make assumptions about how that may look for someone? Unless you have figured out how to read someone’s mind (please let me know if you have), we cannot assume we know everything there is to know about oral sex. The best measure would be to discuss or ask for guidance on how the experience can be pleasurable for all those involved; oral sex can be satisfying for all those involved; you get off, I get off, we all get off! That discussion can come before or during but it is important that the oral aspect be appreciated and present to make this experience a good one. Basically, you need to ask yourself, do you want to have fun, safe, consensual oral sex? If the answer is yes, and I hope it is, the next question should be to speak to your lover(s) about what that looks like, what do they like, what works and what can be mutually done to achieve the best part of oral sex which is pleasure.
Second, embrace the awkwardness that comes with this conversation. Fun, safe and awesome sex starts with having a partner (or partners) who you feel great with. How might you feel great? Being comfortable enough to tell them what you want… because if you are honest, the result should hopefully be pleasure, right? Think about it this way, if someone is going south on you, it’s because they want to make you feel something and vice versa. There are most definitely expectations of oral sex and that it is simply part of the process. Sex is not a process; it’s a mutually (hopefully) awesome experience that should happen between people consensually, respectfully, and full of wonder. The person(s) also providing oral sex have as much responsibility to part-take in this conversation. Ask questions, be curious, do it because you want to and enjoy it. It will seem awkward, but the awkwardness can be over-powered by the awesome feeling of engaging in oral sex with someone who is listening and giving you what you want.
Lastly, try and try again and be patient. Bodies are different and respond in all sorts of ways. A conversation about what needs to happen during oral sex doesn’t mean it’s going to be the most mind blowing experience. Gender norms, patriarchy and sanitized pornography have instilled this unrealistic idea of what oral sex should be. It’s important to reiterate that bodies are different and come with a multitude of experiences. How do we navigate this? We need to actively bring back the oral aspect of oral sex. So let’s start getting off on getting oral with each other.